Backyard-Built Clarity for Marriage
Ever heard “men can never understand women” or “happy wife, happy life”? These are just some of the common adages about marriage we husbands unknowingly live by—half-truths that sound wise but chip away at our homes. These faulty beliefs can strain relationships, erode trust, and breed resentment, leaving us stuck in ruts instead of leading strong. Your wife’s not a puzzle to solve; she’s your partner in the wild of family life. Here are three myths that might be holding your marriage back, plus practical tips to debunk them—so you can lead alongside your wife with clarity.
Myth 1: Happy Wife, Happy Life
This adage seems to have originated years ago in a real estate ad in Abilene, Texas. But others suspect it came from the political group “The Work and Wages Party.” While your wife’s happiness is extremely important, a happy marriage isn’t the result of just one person’s happiness. Rather, it’s the pinnacle of a synergistic relationship. Happy spouse, happy house is the more accurate adage, as women should focus on hubby’s happiness as much as hubby focuses on hers.
The University of Alberta performed a study to disprove the “happy wife, happy life” adage, finding that “men’s and women’s satisfaction with romantic relationships is equally important to predicting their future happiness.”
Myth 2: Men Can’t Understand Women
We’ve all heard it: “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” alluding to the idea that we are different species and will never understand one another. Or, how about “women are too emotional”? That is a coward’s excuse. A University of Michigan study compared emotional fluctuations day-to-day between men and women. The study showed that men and women feel similar emotional highs and lows. They are often manifested differently– men, your own emotions go crazy while watching sports, while our wives might cry over anything from a tv show to a tiktok. But that goes to show that we aren’t so different. So listen, here’s how you can connect, communicate, and understand each other.
1. Put aside the ego
Humans—particularly men—tend to let ego block communication. This manifests in arguments that don’t need to be had, trying to be right no matter the cost, and even in entitlement. Marriage is about being on equal footing. In serious conversations, take a moment to step back and think about how you’re approaching the conversation. Consider your wife’s feelings.
2. Spend time together in different environments
For some, the prospect of spending more time with their spouse doesn't sound fun. But if you’re here reading this, you want a stronger marriage. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut in our relationship. We get it, you work day in and day out, have chores at home, maybe a kid or three to care for. Routine can strain a marriage and one’s mental health. Take some time to go on a hike with your spouse, where chores are far away and the fresh air can clear your mind. Go stargazing, where the wide expanse can remind you of who you really are. Even just go on a date!
3. Learn to love unconditionally
If you haven’t read “Real Love” by Greg Baer, it’s time. It’ll change the way you view yourself and your spouse. Doctor Baer proposes that the main cause of marital dysfunction is that many of us have never truly learned how to love unconditionally because we haven’t been given it. When we aren’t receiving it, we turn to what Doctor Baer calls “imitation love”. He says, "When we don't have enough Real Love, the emptiness is intolerably painful, and in order to fill our emptiness, we use money, anger, control, sex, alcohol, food, drugs, violence, and the conditional 'love' of others, all of which are variations on only four general themes: praise, power, pleasure, and safety. When we pursue these things as substitutes for Real Love, they all become forms of Imitation Love."
Myth 3: Spouses Should Do an Equal Amount of Work
Storm the Shores is about men leading their families, but not alone. It’s about leading with your spouse. Let’s dispel a horrible myth that poisons marriage unity across the country. Marriage is an equal partnership, but it’s not a contract that requires an equal amount of work from both individuals. How time consuming and miserable it is to measure who isn’t pulling their weight. Imagine this, you are injured at work and have to get surgery that keeps you bedridden for three weeks. Who’s pulling the majority of the weight? Of course it’s your wife. Now, what if after those three weeks your wife expects you to make up for the last three weeks and she does nothing. That’s fair, isn’t it?
That’s an extreme example, but how often do we live by that mindset in smaller ways? To succeed in marriage, both partners must be willing to give 100%. Expect there to be days when your wife has to coast and you’ll need to pick up the slack. Know that there will be days where you will have to coast. Our best effort on any given day may not be what we would typically consider our 100%. Communicate with your wife on these things, that’s what partnership is about.
Myth 4: “Coming Home from Work is a Break” and “Helping at Home is Work”
Work is exhausting. For many men, the most enticing thing when you walk through the front door is sitting on the couch and watching sports, taking a nap, or something else that requires no effort. But that’s the last thing we should do. If you need a moment to decompress, then sit down for 5-10 minutes. Then see what you can do to help around the house. If your wife works and you don’t have kids, this is much different from if your wife is a stay-at-home mom.
In the case of the former, take care of the tasks that you know your wife would ask you to do (she shouldn’t have to ask) and then knock out a few things that she might typically handle. In the latter case, your wife’s job is staying at home with your little rascals. She doesn’t get a break! You need/get to be the hero here. If you have younger kids, they’ll want to jump all over you because they haven’t been with you all day. Entertain them! That takes a big load off of your wife. Offer to make dinner or do something else that might ease her burden. Do it because you love your wife. Don’t expect anything in return. But also don’t be surprised if helping to alleviate what weighs on her mind brings some mojo to the relationship.
If you struggle with this myth, make this your motto: “coming home from work is not a break and helping at home is not work.”
Doing Marriage the Right Way
How do you gauge the well-being of your marriage? Each romantic relationship will have different indicators, but generally speaking, you should want to spend time with your wife more than with your buddies, your sports, or your video games. That’s not to say you can’t enjoy those things, but how much time is spent on each of these things? If on your worst day you can go home and your spouse can make you feel better or on your spouse’s worst day you can make them feel better or when you are both having your worst day and you can make each other feel better then you know it’s a successful marriage. Even though it requires a bit of work, marriage should be fun and rewarding. It should be the best thing in your life!